For all the attention they direct below the belt, most men actually know
very little about their joystickes. Here's the knowledge you need to
keep yours healthy, strong, and ready for action, for life.
Fact #1: Smoking can shorten your joystick by as much as a centimeter. Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation. So even if you don't care all that much about your lungs or dying young, spare the little guy.
Fact #2: Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of circumcised infants. One foreskin can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh.
Fact #3: An enlarged prostate gland can cause both erectile dysfunction and premature ***********. If you have an unexplained case of either, your doctor's looking forward to checking your prostate. Even if you're not.
Fact #4: The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds. Women get 23 seconds. Which means if women were really interested in equality, they'd make sure men have four orgasms for every one of theirs.
Fact #5: The oldest known species with a joystick is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos. That's Greek for "amazing swimmer with large joystick." Which officially supplants Buck unclad as the best bad name, ever.
Fact #6: Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed. Movable skin on the shaft of the joystick is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape. Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights. Years can pass until complete coverage is attained.
Fact #7: Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure. It's estimated, however, that all 400 have given it their best shot at some point.
Fact #8: There are two types of joystickes. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn't get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).
Fact #9: An international Men's Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers.
Fact #10: German researchers say the average intercourse lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds.
Fact #11: Turns out size does matter: The longer your joystick, the better "semen displacement" you'll achieve when having sex with a woman flush with competing sperm. That's according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the "scooping" mechanism of the joystick's coronal ridge.
Fact #12: The joystick that's been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784—that's about seven virgins a day.
Fact #13: Better-looking men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm—and told them to pick the handsomest men. The women chose the best sperm producers most often.
Fact #14: No brain is necessary for ***********. That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ***********, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.
Fact #15: The most common cause of penile rupture: vigorous m*st*u*r*b*a*tion. Some risks are just not worth taking.
Fact #1: Smoking can shorten your joystick by as much as a centimeter. Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation. So even if you don't care all that much about your lungs or dying young, spare the little guy.
Fact #2: Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of circumcised infants. One foreskin can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh.
Fact #3: An enlarged prostate gland can cause both erectile dysfunction and premature ***********. If you have an unexplained case of either, your doctor's looking forward to checking your prostate. Even if you're not.
Fact #4: The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds. Women get 23 seconds. Which means if women were really interested in equality, they'd make sure men have four orgasms for every one of theirs.
Fact #5: The oldest known species with a joystick is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos. That's Greek for "amazing swimmer with large joystick." Which officially supplants Buck unclad as the best bad name, ever.
Fact #6: Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed. Movable skin on the shaft of the joystick is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape. Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights. Years can pass until complete coverage is attained.
Fact #7: Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure. It's estimated, however, that all 400 have given it their best shot at some point.
Fact #8: There are two types of joystickes. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn't get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).
Fact #9: An international Men's Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers.
Fact #10: German researchers say the average intercourse lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds.
Fact #11: Turns out size does matter: The longer your joystick, the better "semen displacement" you'll achieve when having sex with a woman flush with competing sperm. That's according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the "scooping" mechanism of the joystick's coronal ridge.
Fact #12: The joystick that's been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784—that's about seven virgins a day.
Fact #13: Better-looking men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm—and told them to pick the handsomest men. The women chose the best sperm producers most often.
Fact #14: No brain is necessary for ***********. That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ***********, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.
Fact #15: The most common cause of penile rupture: vigorous m*st*u*r*b*a*tion. Some risks are just not worth taking.
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